Chapter-a-Minute (humor)

[DarkPhoenix]

Inspired by rinkworks.com's Movie a Minute and Book a Minute sections, I have decided to do the same with the chapters of When Cliques Collide (and make fun of my own story at the same time).

Chapter 1
Charise: Hiiiiii! I'm so smart and cute and everyone loves me! I'm such a Mary Sue, I'm self-parodying.
Ms. Gibson: Hi, Charise, I'm the unconventional teacher. Haven't seen you lately. By the way, the cheerleading squad/dance team has a show here at this school, and it really ticks me off.
Charise: I'm going to make a total cliche suggestion-- make a show with representatives from all the major cliques. It'll be awesome.
Ms. Gibson: You're a genius!
Emily: I'm the nerd! Watch as I discuss my opinions of our lookist society.
Cheerleaders: Hiss! Spit! We don't like that! Don't undo the brainwashing that keeps us in control!
LB: Emily ticks me off. I hate her. She should die. I don't know why I hate her, but I just do!
Ophelia: I'm a goth. Or am I? I hate being called goth. Anyways, LB, stop talking bad about someone neither of us knows well! I will throw water in your face, because I'm so chivalrous!
LB: Die, goth!
Ms. Bellereve: Tiffani, you're off the team for being fat. Yay, I just ticked off the overweight readers!
Tiffani: Grrr, we'll see who gets the last laugh.
Principal: Ophelia, instead of punishing you like any sane principal would, I want you to join a club. Oh, and how convenient, Ms. Gibson is looking for some freaks... er, students... to join her new club.
Ophelia: Cool!
Mr. Lyons: AJ, you're a lazy @*$&*%$ *#&@(@$(&% #(#%&(#%&, and because of that, you're off the team. Go to the $(*&#)%&#^) library.
AJ: Noooooo. (Sees Charise) Yesssssss! Hey, baby.
Charise: Uh, no.
Emily: Come on, random nerd friend. Stop being so nerdy and let's go do something non-stereotypical!
Ms. Gibson: Emily, come with me, so you can do something totally nerdy and stereotypical.
Emily: Aw, fine.
Mae: Rant! Hiss! Snarl! Ophelia, you're not supposed to THINK!
Ophelia: But I like thinking!
Mae: Tough! You will do what I say because we've known each other, like, forever!
Ms. Gibson: Down, girl! Ophelia, come with me!
Ophelia: Saved from the crazy chick from Hades!
Emily: Look, me and Ophelia are getting along so well, almost like Anthy and Utena from Revolutionary Girl Utena.
Ophelia: Except we don't have that whole "maybe they're in a relationship" vibe.
Emily: Yeah!
Tiffani: I want to join the band of losers!
Ms. Gibson: Okay.
AJ: Where's Charise?
Angela: Ooh, he's hot. I want him. Let me show you to her and maybe I can get into your pants later.
AJ: I'm heeeeeeeeeere.
Charise: Rats!
Ms. Gibson: The band of losers is complete!

[DarkPhoenix]

Chapter 2:

All: Blah blah yap yap drivel drivel drivel.
Tiffani and Emily: Watch as we perpetuate a movie stereotype!
Charise: Hiiiiiiii, everybody! Meet my two... ahem... friends.
S: I want her, but she doesn't realize it.
Dunstan: I've been hitting that for years. You may envy me if you like.
Ophelia: Grrrrrr... I hate that man.
Charise and Ophelia: Let's talk about some random person who has yet to show up.
Cassandra: Ooh, I'm a new character. Ooh, there's S. Mmmm... S. *Glomp* S, I love you, I need you, I can't live without you.
S: ...This is my adopted sister. She has a big brother complex.
Charise: Down, girl.
Cassandra: Grrrr... I hate you, Charise. You're always taking my big brother's attention away from me!
Sheridon and Gideon: We're the token gay couple!
Everyone: Let's sing songs that represent us!
Ophelia: And let's make it obvious that I think Ville Valo is totally hot. And that I grabbed his junk at a concert. Charise made me do it!
Emily: That's Louie Rivers! I like him. He's a nerd, like me.
Louie: Who wants to bet I'll end up with her within a few chapters?
Cheerleaders: Hey, loser, er, Tiffani... your best friend Sherrie replaced you!
Tiffani: WAAH!
Dunstan: Date me, Charise.
Ophelia and S: NO!
Charise: YES!
(Ophelia and S wail and rage)
AJ: Hey, Tiffani, let's go do stuff together.
Tiffani: Yay, I'm happy again!

[DarkPhoenix]

Chapter 3:

Tacita: Come take over my babysitting job so I can go talk S out of a semi-depression.
Charise: Okay.
Ophelia: Hey, Emily, let's hang out and you can meet my friend Cy.
Emily: Uh, okay.
Mrs. Williams: Charise, thanks for coming to take care of my demon child. Bye bye!
Charise: ...I think this was a bad idea.
Cy: Hi! Am I a man or a woman? You be the judge. Seriously, though, I'm a dude undergoing hormone replacement therapy and all that good stuff. Thus the nice rack.
Emily: You're pretty! Let's be friends.
Cy: What an adorable little friend you have, Ophelia. So much nicer than Mae.
Ophelia: Let's go hang out at my place!
S: I hate Dunstan.
Tacita: I get to be a responsible big sister type and give you advice. Yay!
Ophelia: I'm not goth, but I named my pet cat after the Wicked Witch of the West!
Emily: You seem pretty goth to me.
Ophelia: Allow me to do a monologue about why I am not goth.
Emily: I see the error of my ways!
Charise: I'm going crazy!
Tacita: Watch as I give lots and lots of wise words to S, along with maybe a hint or two about what's to come. And also note the "Spider-man" reference!
S: You're not very entertaining, but I get what you're trying to tell me. I'll do it.
Tacita: Drool. Lust. He's a hottie. Oh well, I'll call up some random guy now.
Ophelia: Listen as I tell about S's angst-filled past.
Emily: So sad! Boohoo.
Cy: Luckily, I'm here to make you laugh by making a reference to an animated show about a death metal band!
Charise: That kid is dead, when I get my hands on her!
Michaela: You wish!
Charise: Let me sing you a No Doubt song.
Michaela: Zzzzz.
Charise: *Cleans up*
Emily and Ophelia and Cy: Yay, we're all good friends now!
Charise: Yay, I've been paid extra money for watching the Bad Seed. Now let me go home to S and the others.
S: I took care of all the stuff in the house so you can just relax.
Charise: What a sweetie. I love you, platonically, of course.
S: ...I love her, but I still won't tell her how I feel.

[DarkPhoenix]

Chapter 4:

Ms. Gibson: And we've just completed another episode of a show that is barely mentioned in this story!
Tiffani: Look, it's my former friends who want nothing to do with me. Let's see if I can impress them by being mean to Nerd Girl.
Ophelia: Grrr. Meanie. Emily, you don't need to put up with that. Let's go.
AJ: Grrr. Tiffani, you're mean! I may be a total playboy, but I love my sister, even though it's totally uncool. Now be nice. You don't have to impress them.
Tiffani: Whatever. Gonna go powder my nose.
Cheerleaders: AJ, you're a loser now!
AJ: Shut up. Whatever. I don't care-- you're too... uh... wait, I didn't get into your pants either, did I?
Ophelia: Cram it in your cramhole, preppy snob witches! I randomly returned to do something heroic, like Utena!
AJ: ?!
Cheerleaders: Ew, it's all gothy. Let's leave before it turns us all dark!
AJ: Drool. Lust. I waaaaaant.
Tiffani: I'm back.
AJ: Oops, better act like a good boyfriend again.
Mae: HISS! SNARL! Ophelia, I'm ultra-possessive! Don't spend time with anyone but meeeeee! And don't let that weird nerd girl around my baby brother!
Ophelia: Whatever.
Kenny: So, dude, you know that movie "She's All That?" Let's basically steal the plot from that movie.
AJ: Good idea. And let's throw in some "10 Things I Hate About You."
Kenny: Cool. Make Ophelia normal.
AJ: DEAL!
Ophelia: La la la... walking in my gothy girly outfit.
AJ: Wanna be seen in public together?
Ophelia: #(&%()#%)&#*%)(&@%)(&#)%&!
AJ: ...She just needs to be persuaded.
Emily: Despite not being in a relationship, my playboy brother asks me for relationship advice!
AJ: How do I win Ophelia's heart?
Emily: Uh... she likes music.
AJ: I know, let me play a song on the PA system that I've never heard before!
Principal: Detention.
AJ: Rats.
Emily: Sigh. I want Mae's brother.
Ophelia: Mae wants you to stay away from him, but go for it. Here he comes.
Louie: Go to the dance with me.
Emily: Okay!
AJ: Go to the dance with me.
Ophelia: No.
Phoebe: Go to the dance with me.
Louie: No. I'm going with Emily.
Phoebe: Rant. Rave. Roar. I'll slap Emily around to make myself feel better!
Louie: Let me get Emily away from this weirdo!
Tiffani: Nerd fight!
Kenny: Hey, hot stuff who I've never said anything to in the past. I want to totally tick of AJ by going after his woman. Wanna go to the dance with me?
Tiffani: No.
Kenny: But AJ's being friendly to Ophelia.
Tiffani: Okay.
Andi: Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I-- and let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than I?-- my tender heart tends to start to bleed... okay, let's cut to the chase. I'm gonna give you a "She's All That"-type makeover.
Ophelia: Wanna bet? I'll do the entrance wearing MY kind of clothes.
Andi: Rats.
Mae: Ophelia, come to the dance.
Ophelia: Okay.
Mae: Cheerleader, I paid you off to vandalize Ophelia's dress.
Sawyer: Whatever.
Emily and Louie: Happy nerdiness!
Angela: Lust. Drool. Come dance with me, AJ.
AJ: Can't.
Andi: You're a loser!
Mae: Roar! I will slap Emily around!
Emily: Not this again! This is the second time in one story!
AJ: It's okay. I'll curse Mae out!
Emily: Yay! Oh no, I think that cheerleader may be up to no good!
Sawyer: What a pretty dress. I wonder if it dissolves in water!
Ophelia: You got my favorite dress wet. But because Emily just came in, I need to be brave and tough. Uh... grrr! Don't ever say stuff about me or my friends again.
Emily: Ooh, you're so brave and tough!
Ophelia: Let's leave her passed out on the bathroom floor.
Tiffani: Kenny's a jerk. I like you better. Let's dance.
AJ: Okay.